my lament

it's incredible and i always forget it but things never change. 
i''ve been reliving the same shit for seven years now and i don't know why.

"Who are we to say that the English language is better than the language dogs have?!  Just because it's what we're familiar with doesn't mean it's superior!"

There's liberal thinking and then there's stupidity. 

I thought I was more open minded but all I have to say in that
class
is 
TWAT 

I  dont really have much to say.  Still basking in the glory of my birthday.  The big 20.  or 21. or 23.....depending on who you talk to. 

i think i'm a bitter person.

my life since ive been home:  "having" a job that has never called me in to work....bitching and worrying about my audition.....turning out the lights before bed....fast-food and cigarette runs very late at night....top chef....sex and the city.....desperate late night phone calls for people to "hannnng outtt with meee and stop being sooo laaaame and FINE YOU SUCK!"....smoking under my porch and putting my butts in the neighbors bush....pensively reflecting on every past relationship i've ever had, and the like.



oh, home.

Heres a fuckin lament.  I might have mono.  Yeah!  What the fuck?!  Its not from him.  It could be from any of the drinks, or cups, or silverware, or joints I've shared (only probably not from joints).  I am bullshit.  Its summer.  I have finals and papers and projects and crazy hot summer fun to have.  I always plan on crazy hot summer fun and it usually doesnt happen as well as I plan it but still the possibility should fuckin be there. 

On another note I havent had a cigarette in four/five days now and I want to blow my face off.

people are predictable and 

clark university is 
destroying
 my 
soul

I realize that once I stop chasing after things my life becomes a lot more boring-and I'm alright with that.  And if you're reading this Jamie its just another brilliant thought.  Seriously though, I'm realizing things just are what they are.  I used to think so many things, so many encounters were exceptional and beautiful.  That a fuck or the possibility of a fuck meant so much more.  I found my old journals from highschool and I was amazed by how silly it all was.  I'm not trying to be depressing but its the truth.  People use people and most of the time guys just want ass.  It should not have taken me this long to get that.

What I learned this week:
hermit crab racing is one of the most brilliant things ever invented.  i know good people.  speed limits change really fast and Virginia likes to fuck you in the ass. i want aada (otherwise known as amda). smoking and eating hummus naked with your friend on a city rooftop in the rain for the sake of art can be really liberating. oral sex is not at all "like brushing your teeth" and in fact-that's very offensive.

I wish I wasn't like this.  I wish I didn't get so pissed off all the time.  I wish I wouldnt cry for stupid reasons...at stupid times.  I wish I was better.  I wish that the things I do could be for myself.  I wish I could talk about how I feel without worrying about words or phrases or the legitimacy behind them.  A few years ago a highschool councilor told me that 'life is a river and not a mountain' or some kind of shit like that.  Over time I've either thought of myself as getting better or getting worse but I guess that's all wrong.  Maybe I'll never be "over" what happened over the summer.  What's depressing is that I'm really the same person I was sophomore year. nothing really changes.

And I've been wondering lately why I keep this journal.  I only want to write in it when I'm like this.  I try to make the entries non specific and the feelings, believe it or not, less "emo" because I feel almost irritated at myself as I'm writing them.  what purpose does this serve? 

  

just got my pills in the mail.  things are really starting to look up compared to an hour ago

back in worcester.  and things are weird.  im trying to tell jt about how great worcester is and he just doesn't understand.  Things are going to change this time around.  My room is going to be nice with a TV and the two beds pulled together and beer in the fridge.  I'm going to go to class every day.  I signed up for salsa lessons.  I'm going to keep my room clean.  I'm going to do my work.  Its kind of nice having my own room.  I can sleep naked if I ever want to.  I can study naked too.  Its a little cold right now but I could do it.  

I realized today though the one thing I'm missing at school and it's a little depressing.  For the most part, I only have good guy friends.  I'm missing the bestfriend who will get drunk and bitch about guys and go shopping and be all understanding about emotions and shit.  Me and the guys brainstormed all of the options for a girl bestfriend.  I guess I have to keep looking.


 

"Be good"......"be good?" Who SAYS that?!

It's a shame that things are so fucked up. 

ps. you should all be watching out for the upcoming short film "Christmas Carol" perhaps to be followed by "Daddy Don't Get Drunk This Christmas", a holiday classic.  Unfortunately the production of "Do They Know Its Christmas Time At All?" had to be canceled due to obvious political, social and humanitarian reasons that even we couldn't ignore.  

Plus, I'd have to lose too much weight.  

 

merry christmas an happy hanukhah fuckerss

i need to rant. are we still in highschool.  tell me please, i cant tell.  anonymous honesty box bullshit "they love each other stop spreading rumors you bitch slut blablabla" "get over him shitshitshit".  i didn't want that; didnt want to cause problems.  i really didnt want to hurt anyone.  i wouldnt really care what you guys do but you brought me into it needlessly.  You did.  and it makes me sad and it makes me angry.  it makes me remember being in love and in bullshit at the same time.

i could have been your friend but circles make me dizzy.  you think you're so crazy but maybe its just about growing up.  you're not a fuckin victim.  i could have been your friend but i see him in you and it makes me so angry i could choke.  i used up all my sympathy and understanding cards in the past few years.  hate me. lie about me. tell people im a bitch. im good with it.

other than that im excited for this weekend.  ive been looking forward to it since sunday. 

"what were you banging laura?  that's cool" 

i cant even explain how
i 
hate
 him
 so
 much 

it was just one of those nights I guess. I dont even think I got drunk, I just got WASTED.  blackouts, other gross things you can imagine, stumbling around Clark and Main Street (bad idea) in my little Alice costume trying to pull up my knee high tights while lighting a cigarette.  

i miss ny.  this whole red sox thing makes me miss it more.  i miss hearing about the game and having it be MY game (not that there will be one for a while).  i miss the updates from christine.  it was supposed to be that the yankees would beat boston because then i could feel like i won a little bit.  fuck it, i lost.  

i miss cedar street and i miss peekskill.  i miss the afternoon cigarettes, afternoon naps, the dinners, and then getting drunk and dancing and having someone who could always relate to me no matter what.  fantasias and lovage and everything else that was random and amazing.  I know Im going to look back at this entry and hate myself for sounding so gay but I dont care.  Its my mood...its "nostalgic"

"did you say 'no, this can't happen to me,'
and did you rush to the phone to call
was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind
saying maybe you didn't know him at all
you didn't know him at all, oh, you didn't know"
one thing I know is that I can never go back.  Ever.  I know that I'll start feeling whole again. not stupid not scared not empty not ashamed and not worthless.

but there are so many beautiful people in my life right now; and they make me feel like I can do anything. oh and I've missed them..so much.
 

I knew this day would come where I'd look around and realize that I have nothing. The places that I used to love mean nothing to me now and the people are just photographs.  so Fuck everything.  Fuck boys, Fuck girls, FUCK mother nature, and fuck all the beautiful people who say I told you so in the end. 

jamie christine little got me sick

there are some things i try not to think about, saying if i did id go crazy.  but they come to me in the oddest ways.  on the bus, in the supermarket, out to lunch with my mom.  my stomach starts to hurt maybe from trying to push the thought so far away.  thats why i can cry almost anywhere.

i found a bright eyes cd in my car waiting for my dad at the train station.  i put it on and i cried through the whole thing.  i cried at a book i was reading on the bus today.  i cried because i almost didnt have the money for that bus even after i borrowed some from mike.  i didnt cry when i really shouldve.  couldnt tell you why.  

.i dont ask for forgiveness and im not excusing myself for anything.  blaming people has never been my style.  am i a shithead?  yeah most definitely.  fuck, i guess im a lot of things.  maybe as i get older ill become a better person but thats usually not how it works, right?  ive done a lot of things im not proud of but all i have now are those decisions i made.  

some things are too sad to allow room for. 

this has been a sad day.  a very sad weird day. 
my grandpa was a really fun guy.  and good looking too.  and he had a great voice and he could play a mean spoon.  he was also good at the macarana and making te "fish-hook face" with his mouth.  


On another note, I've just been thinking-I have very very little respect for most guys right now as I know so many of them to be liars and cheaters.  Almost every guy I know has cheated on their girlfriend and I feel pretty bad to think that I have helped some.  Now I'm seeing how fucked up it really is.  These are guys who tell their girlfriends that they love them, and they have to lie continuously to them and everyone else.   

I'd really like to know how they can do it, I actually would. 

When did everything get so fuckin complicated? 
why can't I just be extremely happy without having to be extremely depressed?

its not a 'woah is me' thing it's just a fact: I have never been more alone.